Doing business and I have been taking a BIG break from one another for quite some time now. The last physical move and lack of adequate space to work in have knocked me so far off point that I've been flitting around here and there trying to figure out what "the next thing" is going to be. Thus far I have not come across the next thing that really grabs my interest. I've started several new projects, but have become bored with them rather quickly.
Until today, I kept thinking there had to be a "the next great thing" that was going to take me on a magic carpet ride... but now have to wonder - it's been over a year, maybe there really is no next great thing for me. Maybe all I really want is now is a life of: no responsibility, no schedules, no appointments, no "working".
Sounds good right? It "should" be, but in reality - for me, it's just been a stressful jumble of guilt and anxiety. After a year of "doing nothing", I still feel guilty for staying up late, reading books through from beginning to end in a day or two non stop, (except for snack and pee breaks), and sleeping in and not getting up and starting my days with the rest of 9-5 humanity, and wandering around aimlessly.
I am surprised to discover that finding a comfortable place in myself to settle into is oddly illusive. It never has been before. There was always something leading to something else which led to another.... and so on. Now it just seems that well is dry. From time to time I consider closing LaloBean and the Little Silver Fox and putting away all unfinished manuscripts and artworks for good, but won't do it - not just yet. I LOVE them. They are my babies.
I'll just continue to explore leaning back and going with the flow - wherever that takes me. Hopefully it will take me to the "next great things" and that magic carpet ride.
Unfortunately if there's too much of that I begin to feel a bit useless - like I'm just taking up space; and lately, I sometimes feel that if I slipped off into the night no one would know until the rent comes due. But when I get a visual on that the big question is "What is out there in that night?" That's where my imagination stops. All I see is a vast wall of blackness. Very much a fan of GPS gadgets and Google maps, I still like to know where I am going. So I fall back to earth again, into my body and fingers on the keys typing this post...
Uh oh, here comes boredom. I am bored with this post. I'll turn this thing off now and go look for something else to do. Maybe I'll go outside and look at the back yard and mentally plan a garden.
Maybe I'll come back another time and 'think' about this situation some more. There's got to be something left on earth that will grab me by the heart and get the creative juices flowing again!
Laterz ...
